The Dating Secrets I wish I Knew Before

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You know the saying that "single people always have the best dating advice?"

Well ...... I am here to say that it is true, I am your single friend who is going to tell you the best dating secrets I wish I knew before I started dating, especially to my ladies who want intentional love stories.

A little backstory: I went through a very heartbreaking breakup in 2023. In 2024, I spent half the year in denial and the other half slowly accepting that sometimes things fall apart not because we’re unworthy of love, but because life is teaching us lessons we can’t learn any other way.

Today, I’m sharing some of those lessons with you.

Secret 1: Know what you want before you start dating

Before you jump into dating, you need to know what you want out of that relationship. I know in the early 20s we barely know what to do with our lives, and we are just tasting, trying everything, and making mistakes. I wish I had someone to tell me about dating, how to find the right partner, and why we date in the first place. It would have saved me a lot of heartache.

Knowing about what you want before bringing someone into your life is more about knowing yourself, your goals, and your aspirations. Before you start texting that cute guy and building castles in your head, you need to sit down with yourself and ask yourself:

• Who do you want to be in the next five years?

• Am I ready to be in a relationship?

• What am I looking for in this relationship? Is it a situationship or a long-term commitment?

Personally speaking, most of the heartbreaks I had were because I walked in situations without having an idea of what I was doing or what I wanted from them. I always went with the flow, and it always ended up badly, so before you engage in anything, know exactly what you would like to get from it.

Here is the truth: don’t fall for "we will figure it out along the way" this is a major red flag because if a guy is not sure about you at first he wont be sure in 5 years, guys always know what they want from you the moment you start talking, he knows if you will be a bootycall or a serious partner not because you are not perfect but because he knows where he is at in life and what he needs in that specific moment and if you are not sure about what you doing in life he will drag you around waist your time and leave you heartbroken.

Secret 2: Don’t try to turn a casual fling into a relationship

Listen carefully: Don’t do this!

One of the many mistakes I made the last couple of years was trying to turn the guys who made it clear that they didn’t want a serious relationship into lovers because I was so convinced that love would change them. Don’t put yourself into this.

As I mentioned, men always know what they want, and if they clearly tell you that they are not into serious dating, don’t think you can easily convince them to change, you can't change a man. That is something I didn’t know because growing up, I was told that love can change anything, like if you behave a certain way, people will see that you love them, and they will choose you, so I would find myself going above and beyond for the people we were not even dating, and guess who ended up hurt? Me !! I remember I used to have a crush on this guy and then I made sure I knew everything he liked in a lady and I started doing it because I was convinced I will win him over but I ended up ridiculing myself and being taken advantage of so if you like someone and you know what you want in life make sure you communicate it first to the person you are interested in so that you are all on the same page.

Secret 3: When you are ready, put yourself out there

There is no perfect time to meet the right partner. Sometimes, he just comes to you naturally; other times, you have to be out there for him to find you, go out, socialize, go to events, use dating apps (story for another day), and start talking to many guys if you are single.

Let me explain!

I used to think it was wrong to talk to several guys at once. I thought loyalty belonged to the talking stage, but girls, please! If you’re not in a relationship, you are free to explore. Something I learned from the book “ The Power of the P***Y”. Talking to many guys allows you to single out who aligns with what you are looking for, you don’t have to shrink yourself or just settle for this one guy because he doesn’t have a competitor, you are allowed to talk to every interested guy, trust me that is what the fellas are doing, so put yourself out there and see what is popping !!

I’ve settled before. It didn’t work. Don’t make that mistake.

Secret 4: Normalize walking out of the relationship

Stop torturing yourself trying to change your partner, allow me to SCREAM AT YOU “ IF HE WANTED HE WOULD” simple as that.

Your standards are not too high if he wanted, he would; he just doesn’t want, and you are making it easier for him by accepting the bare minimum.

I stayed in a three-year relationship trying to “teach” someone how to love me. I kept lowering my expectations, shrinking myself, and hoping he would eventually understand me.

He didn’t. The wild part? Months after our breakup, he told me he knew exactly what I wanted, he just wasn’t willing to do it… because he was seeing someone else.

Read that again.

YEAH if he wanted, he would! I should have walked out the moment he didn’t celebrate me on my birthday, the moment he ignored my calls, and felt unseen. Normalize leaving when you don’t feel appreciated !!

Nowadays?I walk away the moment I see a red flag. Stop painting red flags yellow because he’s cute and funny. Red is red.

Secret 5: Stop putting pressure on yourself to find love

Hear me out with an open mindset here: relationships or marriages are not the only lifetime achievement you should be focusing on; there is more to life, and there is no deadline to finding true love.

There are people who met their person in their early twenties, and it works right away, and there are others like me who have to go through rollercoasters to find their partners. Love can work at first sight, and sometimes after 3 divorces. God works in mysterious ways, so stop putting a deadline on finding love or getting married, and stop pressuring yourself to have it all figured out at the same time. Lesson I had to learn the hard way !

The culture always put timelines and deadlines especially to women, like you are supposed to have kids at this age, be married, be a good wife at a certain age but no one gives you a guide on how to navigate through life they just expect you to meet some imaginary standards to be labeled successful and when you succumb to this pressure you will find yourself married to someone you barely know, let God and time do their thing. Instead, focus on your growth, career, and personal development. Everything will fall into place when the time is right.

I could write a whole book on this topic trust me. But here’s what I’ll leave you with:

A healthy dating life starts with a healthy relationship with yourself.

Know who you are.

Know what you want.

Trust that everything will fall into place with time.

You only get one life. Live it in a way that honors God and brings you joy.

See you in the next blog, beautiful 💛